I wish I could teleport
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
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You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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