you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
