I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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