White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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