OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
cat food counts as protein by the way
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
