I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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