My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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