her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
