new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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