Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
