i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
