DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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