What did we do last night that was yellow?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
