I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
