Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
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I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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