i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
