you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And then my night got REAL pukey
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
