Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
