The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
