Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
