worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
