Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
