two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
