Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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