My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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