I must be too annoying 4 u.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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