I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
