You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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