# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
