I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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