You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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