Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
