I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
