i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
