if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
