some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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