Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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