i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
