Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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