i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
