Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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