So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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