He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
