I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
