so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
