I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
