I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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