i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I came so hard my ears popped.
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