he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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