Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
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We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
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I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.