trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Randomize
