Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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