ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
