mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A+ Viking dick
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
