i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
